“I miss you!”

The thing is, I wanted to tell you this line millions of times recently but I never did. I don’t know why, and I don’t know myself. The feeling is familiar as well as foreign, the eagerness to escape, the impulse to destroy everything stable. I miss you! In the deepest part of my gut and in the darkness of my eyes, sorrow sorrow sadness.

You called without leaving a word. My “fever” required me to let go, so I didn’t pick up the phone. The result of finally meeting outside the phone box never really occurred to us. I thought you would be the one to fall and I even considered an excuse to let you down. Did you? It’s likely that you didn’t overthink this trip too much. Sadly, I could barely hold myself together after experiencing all of the experiences with you. Yeah, it is challenging to tell what love really is. It’s probably something I never really understood. Moreover, I never truly understood you and the world.

I’ve been thinking about Meagret a lot recently. I want to escape somewhere alone so I can forget all the chaos. But this time I won’t let myself run away.

How are you? Is everything moving well for you in this transitional era of your life? Before you told me all about your 10 years of ups and downs, I secretly thought that I was the only one who had been through so much. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there! Those turbulent times in my past life taught me that I should have been more brave myself. A breakfast infused with your past life was a delight for me. It is common for people to be lonely most of the time, but nobody appreciates or feels comfortable sharing their feelings of aloneness with others. In spite of the fact that I let you know almost everything about me, I keep some fragile parts of myself hidden from you as well.

Did you meet someone interesting recently? Have you tried anything new lately? Even though I drank to remember as well as to forget, the charming tipsy feelings never returned. TEARS!!! I do have lots of pressure, and on top of that I am trying to protect you from any kind of pressure. Therefore, I chose not to talk to you for a while. Sorry! The burden of not being able to love back is another burden I know.

My heart was sent out to you when I saw Antman & Wasp the other day, and when Cassie replied to her father every time with the phrase “I love you too”, I was deeply touched. However, when Hope responded to Scott’s “I love you!” with the same line, I began to understand love is not something to take back from, but rather something deep down in your soul. Nobody can steal it and it is definitely not a request. It is totally wrong to ask for one’s love! People should love without asking. There is no need for “too” to confirm the existence of one’s heart. A father loves his daughter because she runs in his blood. We love other total strangers only because we are in love with them. This is a strong word, so there is a lot of pressure attached to it. I got you and I won’t say it again.

Where should I send all those letters? I watched The Longest Ride the other night. Yeah, romance again. Yeah, I’m poisoned by romance in books and TV. (Stop teasing me now, I know you’re teasing me now.) But I have to say, it is me. When it comes to love, I always hold the wildest expectations. And I guess that is the exact reason I am still alone. There is no romance in real life! Glad we got a glimpse of fairy love in the Middle Country.

Trying to get to your country at night was crazy. I didn’t sleep well those days. And I never realized how well I slept around you until I came back alone. Also, that Lemon thing bothers me a lot. “Am I just one of your Lemons?? While you are my only Christmas? ” The thought kills me! Again, human nature sucks! We just cannot kill the weakness in humanity. (laughing)

I will be okay shortly. I’m running the half marathon in Xiamen in April. I’m going to spend most of my time alone, but I’m confident enough to be good at it.

Take good care of yourself. I miss you as always.