I’m off track. He said I’m head over heels with this new guy. I don’t know, I really don’t.

I did make plans for this week, but I forgot to track. And as someone walked into my life as the most beautiful surprise ever happened, I decided to join the dreamland as I always did.

Fuck the rational, I don’t have any anyway!

I. A week I laughed a lot.

I don’t quite get used to that kind of myself. I mean, I’m a smiley person, but I haven’t smiled like a kid for such a long time. Society and my personal evolving kinda degraded my kid’s side. But I smiled 98% of the time; the other 2% of the time, I was just too tired to have any emotions or expressions.

Genuinely speaking, I was crying and had nightmares just the day before this new week. And I also booked the ticket to get back home on May 16th. I came out for this solo trip because I promised myself: “No matter what happened, I would stay with myself, enjoy the turbulence and hardship of traveling alone, of conquering the inner insecurity since I’ve never traveled alone for such a long time.”

I’m terrible with making plans and directions. Getting myself lost or bored was my primary fear when I started this trip. And I’m always too emotional.

“Our city.” Yeah, it used to be. When I saw all the familiar surroundings, of course, I felt emotional. After a long year of long-distance, struggling, feeling not sure about myself and us. Finally I decided to do this long planed trip anyway, just to be with myself and enjoy my own company.

I’ve come across so many guys who compliment me about being so attractive. But so what? I think you know well what I need is always very simple: Love and be loved, always. Of course, I feel hurt to put an end to our story, for which I’m not ready to put on paper yet. Since I need time to drift myself out of life’s experiment and tell the story in a more matter-of-fact way.

I used to hate myself for being too emotional all the time. But on the other hand, I appreciate God for blessing me with certain talent. Not all can cry and laugh at the same time, right? That’s my passion towards life and people. That’s what makes me unique. And I will never ever hate what I truly am. Even if you don’t love me back or nobody is going to love me the way I wished for. I love myself for being myself only.

I had the most memorable week. Though what I remember now are pure frames.

II. Frames of time

1. The sweating swings after yoga
2. The clock tower
3. Fourth floor 3000 hugs
4. The moon
5. Star signs
6. The shadows on the night walls
7. All the walks around
8. Endless talks
9. Swimming pool
10. The notebook
11. My spot & yours right in front of/behind me
12. Stationary shopping with butterflies dancing on my tiptoes
13. All the red mailboxes
14. #kinesthetic
15. Songs out of one AirPod
16. Friends
17. The minute under the street lamp for lucky numbers
18. More lucky numbers on screenshoot, cars, taxi, everywhere
19. Airport pick-up sign
20. Fragrant mosquito spray
21. Best laundry in town
22. Coconut, Mango & Durian party
23. The bridge
24. Watching flashes beneath the stormy sky like nobody is watching
25. Sunset
26. …

My memories are twisted together; I can’t think in proper order. But this week seems like years to me. From this, I gained more confidence in believing that not everything fades away. Some may actually last for years or even a lifetime. You can live in your dream like nobody cares!

I mean, I have had great moments with lots of other people, but none of them was a continuous experience of happiness every second. Even with those I loved so much, there were moments I wanted to drift away or felt frustrated.

I don’t mind if it’s just the idea of you or could be true truth. I always think that once you think too much or too carefully towards life, you lose the chance to enjoy the moment’s blessing.

I had flickers of moments of struggling, of course, but not a second while he was nearby. That was a brand-new feeling I never felt so far in my life. It’s like finally, you met a copy of yourself, not exactly the same, but you dare to relax and let go, even lose. The time we spent together is the only real frame.

III. I met a real-life writer.

I don’t know if she is famous or not; I haven’t even googled her yet. But just before I could ask her the most stupid questions that I always puzzled me with. I chased answers in books like “Somewhere Towards the End” by Diana Athill. I’ ve had this hopeless idea that I will be alone and turn into a real old lady just like that woman sitting right in front of me. I used to be really scared of that image. But that day, just before I raised that stupid “Love & Single” question, a warm shadow walked in. At that exact moment, I experienced some kind of epiphany.

Nothing really matters. I don’t need life experience from someone who is older than me and happen to be single all her life. I got my own story ahead of me. Bad or worse, I will love the story I’m going to experience myself. I will survive. I mean, I won’t die of heartbreak or loneliness. The only thing that’s going to kill me is life’s cause. We all have our destinies settled. But for the journey towards the end, we are the ones who experience and carry on with our own adventures. Thanks, Cat! Thanks, dear O Shadow.

Let’s call it an end. Don’t spend too much time immersing yourself in the past, even if it holds amazing and gorgeous memories. We use the term “So far” or “Yet” for more possibilities to walk into our frames.

That’s the best week of my life SO FAR.

I didn’t do this or that YET.

Thank you for the wonderful week, Mr. O.