I know things fade away, and I know all dreams end upon waking up, whether they’re nightmares or good ones.

Last week started with seeing friends away from our mutual adventures. I went to that sightseeing bridge and enjoyed my durian party alone. The feelings weren’t too bad as I imagined nor too good as when they were there with me. I guess I can survive most of life’s currents, whether they’re happy floating ones or scary drowning ones. I miss them all a lot, even though we’ve only known each other for barely a week.

I don’t think time matters that much for people to get closer. Sometimes, the most genuine relationships happen at the very beginning of an encounter. Time only tans the memories. Some like the tanned skin, some don’t. That’s also true for all human connections.

The immerse pain of last week merged at the midnight airport Thursday, where I was all alone, trying peacefully to say goodbye to “Our City”. How could I not cry? I’m always the crying type. I don’t hate myself for that. However, my mom judged me again for my dress this morning, and I felt like to cry again, recalling all the past memories of my parents judging me for everything. I know they love me deeply, but it’s impossible for them to change from their old, traditional upbringings.

I washed my face once again, just like that night when I was all alone in “Our City.” How could I not cry? They made me feel like I’m a horrible person, one nobody is going to love with their soul and heart. All those years, I was craving love but never felt truly loved. Just this morning, when I held tears in front of my judging mom again, I realized that maybe it’s me who is sick, not the world!

Everybody seems to control their emotions and live like proper adults. Only I feel abandoned by all. VN texted me and chatted a lot with me. He tried to convince me they’re all assholes, and the problem isn’t mine.

Anyway, I kind of got back from my solo trip. It was a long one, I agree. I’m not sure if it was a good idea to stop by my parents, but I already made the choice to come. Stuck in their tiny apartment, I can barely see the sun or feel its warmth. Last week ended without any significant achievements. I read, of course, since books are the last straw in my stupid life. I’m grateful to them. I feel super tired and exhausted. I didn’t do much exercise for my “Miles Trinity” and I didn’t get myself out of sorrow, so I can’t really weigh my pen.

There are times in the year when you lose everything you once held true in life. I was sticking to my New Year’s resolution for 2024 pretty firmly since February, but I was derailed over the past weeks while traveling and trying to make peace with myself.

Anyway, a week faded away pretty fast. With the complete loss of waking up from a dreamy dream you know won’t come true, and the torturous reality made me wish to sit on a crashing plane.

How was your week? Hellish? I think life is overall a game of good versus bad. We have certain happiness, then we need to pay back with pain. But always remember, it’s all worth it. Even if the pain is too hard to handle now, you’re still lucky and brave as hell, daring to love and be spontaneous. There are people who never got hurt; they live a boring life. I’m in pain, but I’m still living my best life out of it. A new week will blur the faded once more, but as long as I can still remember, I would still shout to the world that I love you.

Someday, even if love turns into past tense, it’s still better than not taking anything seriously ever. I’m taking my life seriously. I’m taking everyone who walked into my life dear and seriously.

I’m not that horrible person you’re trying to convince me I am.

You, I mean part of myself.