I. The Weight of Illness

You won’t be surprised if I just give up on tracking my new year resolution after 2 weeks of no updating. That’s true, I myself was thinking about giving up since now is the week 31 already, the past 2 weeks blurred into nonstop raining, feeling sick & grounded in bed most of the time. “Why am I doing this?” I asked myself so many times. But if I’m not doing any of this, what would my life be? Blurring into I don’t know, all kinds of possible blurs leave no trace of me actually living any part of it? Don’t get sick.

I know it’s easier said than done, people get sick all of the time, when I woke up all sweating from all night long fever, all I feel is tired. During the night I thought I would think about those I love again, But I didn’t this time. There was a moment I woke up into consciousness & thought about asking for help. But getting sick is a war you need to fight all alone, with countless immune system warriors who die for you to make you feel better. I didn’t die, & my hatred for hospitals, long-buried from some past experience, still got hold of me, I know it. But I’m not avoiding myself from knowing it anymore. Someday I will be recovered enough from those past experiences. I used to talk to people about my hurt but now I’m cured, done. Nobody actually cares about you or, better in another phrase, most people are too weak, even to cover their own misfortunes & pain, so let alone of covering you the way they can’t even do for themselves.

II. The Art of Rest

When I was resting most of the time for the past weeks, I feel from time to time, guilty. I don’t know why people push too hard on themselves all the time. I mean, most of the time I’m well disciplined or rather say I love the stuff I’m doing. But it occurs, when there are times I just don’t feel like doing anything, sleep nonstop & idling away my time. And I’m so sure about myself even if I’m stopping doing nothing at all. There are times I will stand back up again, I got faith in myself.

III. Nourishment for Body and Soul

Eat more, I lost my appetite ever since the trip back. And I thought I gained it back a little while ago. But as I was not feeling good, all my appetite leaving me again. I know how important it is to take care of the body, it’s way not enough my bedly soul. But most of the time knowing is not enough.

IV. The Rhythm of Life

No rush in living; Life is short & the moment we experience is long (feels long). I didn’t go running for around 2 weeks straight & I hate the continuous uncomfortable my body feels even now. But changed into clear sheets & cleaned the house, wish to farewell the sickness & all the pills I hate to take in to poison myself, shortly kill the syndrome. We all know how important your immune system is. But once it breaks, It takes time to rebuild. So don’t rush yourself too harsh. Things will get better, then become worse again. Life is living mind. The moments long or short are only feelings to your.

I heard Andrey telling me the story of himself passing out at a distant ocean while got his one arm dislocated, alone on a boat he drove himself. He must have experienced much more about life but still caring about how much sugar I’ve got for a dinner cake. There are people you can look up to where life’s adventures are dangerous but nourishing. Things stem out of human potential are happening with the perfect control. We’re not dead. So fuck the weakness.