A Long Walk To Books

Finally, I’m starting to write about this part of my life! Lying in bed tossing and turning, whether it’s because I slept too much during the day or because of the matter of reading tortured my restless and unsettled heart.

About reading—there’s always someone who reads more than you, and there’s always someone who can interpret each book differently. For me, reading is gradually accepting the truest self and understanding the process of growth without ease.

I. My First Book

My first impression of reading was during a summer vacation in junior high school when our Chinese teacher asked us to read “Dream of the Red Chamber” and then write an essay on it. Now I know, the children in Dream of the Red Chamber were actually around thirteen or fourteen years old. At that age, whenever I encountered scenes of love, I was overwhelmed by panic. The more panicked I felt, the more I experienced a sense of shame that I couldn’t articulate.

At the age of thirteen or fourteen, the yearning for love and the opposite sex tormented me secretly. In the initial stage of growth, I didn’t understand who I was in “Dream of the Red Chamber,” so I chose to emulate the female protagonist. At that age, I always tried to find my own shadow in others and understand the appearance of women through the admiration of boys. For love, I have always been eager. Even now, this proposition still often knocks on my window, making me restless. I started writing, partly to sort out my emotions and partly to cure my own illness.

Growing up in a remote and conservative rural family, no one cares about what you think inside, as long as you study hard and don’t get sick. In that village, which was almost my entire world at the time, almost everyone believed that as long as you could eat and dress warmly, you were already very happy!

But I am not everyone. I never believed that eating and dressing warmly were the sum of life—past, present, or future, never! I was quite lucky, never having experienced hunger or cold since I was a child, so I never really believed that anyone would really have no food to eat. It wasn’t until a few years ago when I met a childhood friend and talked about it that I found out—he really had no food to eat when he was a child! His mother passed away, his father didn’t care about him, relying on occasional charity from neighbors in the village. Although he is now a boss of a small company who doesn’t worry about food and clothing, for some reason, you can easily see poverty in him. Not in terms of clothing, food, or shelter, but in his manner of speaking. I think it must be the memory of not having enough to eat when he was a child that still torments him to this day!

I am very fortunate that I chose to read. I believe that the process of reading is gradually facing one’s own shame and gradually healing oneself.

II. A Shelter for Youth

In high school, a female classmate suddenly mentioned a story while chatting: there was a crazy knight who fought against the wind and fought against all senseless things. At that time, I had no idea what she was so excited about, as if her words were encrypted. It wasn’t until later when I also read that book that I understood that encrypted language. Isn’t that how people are? Only with common language can we communicate, and these common languages need to be constantly learned.

Leading characters from the “Twilight” series
In high school, I was obsessed with “Twilight”. To buy the newly published books, I spent the 300 yuan that my uncle handed me at the casino. I didn’t like my uncle gambling, and secretly resolved not to use his dirty money. But the temptation of a whole new set of books! Later, some classmates secretly came to borrow books from me, and for a moment, I felt that my uncle’s 300 yuan and my vain “determination” were both worth it.

When everyone was buried in geometry, physics, and equations, I was immersed in the love story of Edward and Bella, unable to extricate myself. The strongest desire at that time was: to be bitten by a handsome vampire, and then the prince and princess would “forever” live happily ever after.

Is “forever” a romantic term? But if the person who bites you is not as expected, is everything still romantic? You’re likely to, like me, feel despair when you think of the word “forever”—a situation where the future is clear to you but dull as hell! “Being together forever” is not necessarily a good thing, it’s best to have qualifiers.

The romance of “Twilight” belongs to the right time with the right person, and what I escaped in high school may not only have been academic, but also some challenging growth experiences that I was supposed to experience alone which i didn’t.

III. Then, Love Grew Like Wildfire

In college, I struggled through the original English version of “Pride and Prejudice,” I don’t remember how long it took to finish it, I just remember that Mr. Darcy lingered in my heart for a long time afterward, hauntingly.

Now thinking back to those years of reading, it’s no wonder I turned out to be an hopeless romantic! What people see, know, and understand largely determines what kind of person they can become.

But regarding love, my view hasn’t changed to this day: there will be a character who walks out of a book and loves me faithfully and devotedly. If not, I can still live “One Hundred Years of Solitude” by myself. I read this book during the time I wandered alone in Xiamen after ending a seven-year ignorant love—those periods of solitary growth I thought I had escaped quietly came back to me.

Seven years of relationship, regardless of the breakup’s reason, can be agonizing. Even if it’s simply due to the word ‘habit,’ its impact can be profound. You’ll realize this when you must confront the world on your own, and all the pain accumulated before feels like just a drop in the ocean.

Many people ask me, “Why?”

Actually, at that age, I didn’t know why. It’s just that somewhere in my heart, it kept saying, “You have to leave!” Although, at that time, I cried like a wounded ghost for a long time. But that part of me, I would call it “myself,” kept telling me: “Everyone is lonely, no one can be an exception! You have to learn how to spend your ‘One Hundred Years of Solitude.’ alone”

IV. An Era of Bitter Solitude

At that time, I never thought that besides my hometown and school, there really was such a city in this world: without winter, and sunny every day. Born in April, I always secretly felt that I was a tree that needed sunshine to grow. I never liked the rainy seasons in my hometown.

I often read “One Hundred Years of Solitude” around noon, everything around me was silent in the scorching summer, and I was wrapped in the gentle breeze of the fan, gently blowing towards Macondo. Covered with mosquito bites all over my skin, while my hair is faintly stained with the dust of Macondo.

To be honest, I’ve read this book twice, and I still can’t remember everyone’s names. But every time I read it, it feels like the author has taken me to watch a surreal drama, and after watching it, I always end up deep in thought! What the hurricane took away may not just be a small town in the story, but also some inherent emotions of mine. This hurricane also uprooted many deeply rooted and intertwined emotions in me. I think I need a long time to clean up these remnants.

Fortunately, I had a hundred years of solitude.

V. Grow Into a Regular Reader

Later, I worked in an English reading club for a year, during which I read more than 50 books. Life, most of the time, was confused and hopeless, and although people may not always find a remedy or answer in books, during that time, I felt the calmness in my heart vividly, and that calmness still often comforts my frantic steps to this day.

I used to often only seek out related books when I felt confused, such as about intimate relationships, such as how to get rich… Although these questions still often bother me today, since I developed the habit of reading, I have a mysterious feeling—no matter what situation I am in, I always feel that I have a “forever old friend” to rely on, so my life and spirit are not so anxious anymore.

All the truths that everyone talks about, only after I have read many stories of others and read many paragraphs from many books, and often at some point long after, do those rigid truths suddenly merge into my marrow. At those moments, I saw the “literary vibes,” it really is a vibe that emanates from within.

If you’re still troubled by, “I’ve heard a lot of truths, but still can’t live this life well,” I think you can try to spend some time understanding the stories behind those truths. I believe you will have a different perspective.

Recently, I’ve been reading “Living in the Vast Gap” by Yu Hua. He said: No matter what kind of story, who created it, how far away it is from our real life, a good story is one that allows everyone to see some slice of themselves.

I believe on reading, opinions may vary. You don’t have to write the most exciting reviews, remember all the storylines, or even read many books. People remember the books they have read for different reasons: perhaps because of the cover of the book, perhaps because of the interesting title, and maybe all we need to remember is ourselves during that time we read that book.

I hope to use writing to record and organize my emotions, as well as record the books I have read, the roads I have traveled, and the growth I have experienced over the years. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time, but I often feel like I lack the knowledge, so I end up feeling like I’m showing off to some writing masters whenever I do it.

I always worry that my writing is too emotional, lacking any rationality. But does it truly matter? Despite my concerns, all my Chinese teachers have consistently given me high scores for my writing. Even though the 800-word essay prompts may seem childish now, what’s most important is that I continue to find the courage to write whatever I feel compelled to express.

I appreciate the right to express myself freely; that’s what reading taught me. This kind of growth is never easy to learn.